Pseudonerds

This week, I'd like to put to words a few complaints about an entire group of people that I have been keeping to myself for far too long.  Now, before you tell me I can't cast a judgment on an entire group of people, let me explain why I can.  Members of this group are characterized by the desire to force their way into an otherwise dignified category of people by embodying arbitrary stereotypes.  I am talking about pseudonerds.  Let the tirades begin.

Let me begin by defining "nerd" so that we can have a concrete point of comparison.  Wikipedia will tell you that a nerd is "a person who avidly pursues intellectual activities, technical or scientific endeavors, esoteric knowledge, or other obscure interests, rather than engaging in more social or conventional activities."  In other words, someone who specializes in a field of knowledge to the extent that they know things that normal people don't need to know.  Now let's review some types of people who are not this.


1.  Science Topics Pseudonerd: This is the most basic of pseudonerds.  They think that simply liking and talking about sciencey things is an all-expenses-paid VIP pass to the smart club.  If you meet one, you might ask yourself "where do they learn all this stuff?"  I'll tell where they're not learning it: their science classes.  This impostor has no more formal training in science than you, as they are students of
literature and other non-science fields.  But they still read their popular science magazines and talk about it as exclusively as someone who actually studies science.  Oh, and XKCD.  They read XKCD.  For those of you who fit into this category (because I definitely know some of you, and I hope you are reading this), I've made a "scientific" chart (see Figure 1) to map out what constitutes "doing science".

Right about now, if you are a good citizen of this planet, you might ask "well shouldn't we all be interested in science, as it helps us understand the world around us?"  You're absolutely right, but since you already have the complexities of life all fleshed out, you also know not to be a terrible party guest by trapping people in conversations about the implications of a water flea having more genes than any other animal.  Right?


2. Ignorant Japanophile Pseudonerd: I'm going to start with the picture.

 

You've probably seen one of these, with or without the hat.  If you've never been to an anime club or a Japanese language class, you're lucky enough to have only seen them in public, at their most uncomfortable and anti-social.  Inside these special places, however—well, they're still uncomfortable and anti-social.  But that's neither here, nor there.

What makes them so insufferable is their claim to love all things Japan, but when pressed, they can't speak a lick of Japanese.  Let's do a role-playing scenario.  Close your eyes. If you can't read like that, have a friend read to you.  Then, return the favor.  *Ahem*

You are a sixth grader again.  You are flipping channels on a Saturday night, and you land on Cartoon Network.  You are getting a little too old for cartoons, but who fucking cares?  You're lonely as shit.  What's this? There's a cool Asian-looking show on.  Is this what Japan is like?  That's awesome!  In a moment of resolve, you shout "I LOVE JAPAN!"

Cut over to years later.  You are still watching anime.  You never learned Japanese, and everything you know about Japan came from basic cable.  In high school, you took Spanish.  Still, you romanticize Japan as the best country ever. 

How could a person resolve from childhood to like something, let years pass, and still know nothing?
Pseudonerds, that's how.

How to tell if you're really a nerd: It's easy!  Follow this flow chart.  I know how you nerds love flow charts.  If you don't love flow charts, then you don't have to read this because you're obviously not a nerd.  Enjoy!

 

As a final thought, I'd like to offer solace for those of you whose disagreements are situated in a burst bubble.  "Nerd" is neither a good nor a bad title.  If you are a nerd, you belong to an exclusive club of people who are passionate about learning, but you bear the social responsibility of not shoving your knowledge down the throats of others.  If you aren't a nerd, congratulations!  You get to avoid all the stigma that comes with being one.