How I Got Permanently Banned

Yes, as the title picture implies, I was permanently banned from the worst place on the internet.  And you know what?  It wasn't easy.  Let me start from the beginning.

It all started when I solicited HTML help from the technology discussion board (otherwise known as "/g/").  You know my little Easter-egg buttons that are not very inconspicuous at all?  I wanted to replace the standard buttons with little drawings you had to find.  That's all I wanted.  But could /g/ help me?  The answer is undoubtedly yes, but did they?

No, they didn't.

I was bumping the thread up with posts of examples I had in mind for Easter-egg content.  Instead of helping me with the coding I needed, they started talking about how every artist thinks they are the greatest thing, with me as a case-in-point.  Left unhelped and humiliated, I was sorely pissed.

This is when I decided to destroy 4chan.  The plan was to get banned and break some shit on the way out.  The only problem is 4chan is already a wasteland full of broken people.  And actually, that's not the only problem.  Sometimes, when I try to do "bad things", they're not nearly as bad as I think they are.  And my first attempts to get banned were kind of pathetic:

Isn't that cute?  My first attempts at getting banned were as deviant as a thirty-year-old shouting

I'm running away, mom!  I'm running away, and I'm never coming back!

...and when is dinner gonna be?!

In a place where people relish in being their worst, things that I think are bad in real life, like spelling errors and bigotry, have absolutely no effect.  The thread above never took place, but it's not far off from what actually happened:

This is problematic in a couple of ways.

1) I was being way too polite.
2) Not only was I contributing original content, it was DELICIOUS original content!  Was I trying to appetize the mods?

After a while, I was tipped off by Anonymous as to why I was not getting banned.

I needed to up the threat level.  I started directly attacking 4chan moderators.

(You might notice someone asked how much I weigh.  That is because I was still bumping with pics of delicious homemade food).

Even though I got worse, it was pretty mild for 4chan.  Am I that incapable of misbehaving?  I was told that using the same name as someone who had been banned would earn a seven-day ban for "ban evasion".  That definitely should have worked.  Then, I figured it out.  The mods were playing a game with me, and they thought it was cute.

I went to a different board and finally found a banned name that worked.  Hooray!  I (relatively) successfully got banned from 4chan.

I could have called it a night there.  At this point, however, I was a tenacious little ferret, sinking in my teeth and refusing to relent.  I decided to harass the appeal form in an attempt to get permabanned.

After sending about ten similar messages in this appeal form, I refreshed the form and found this message from a fellow anon(ymous):

Whaaat?  A neighbor had contacted me via the appeal form!  I hadn't considered that our internet was shared.  Also, I didn't think it was possible that another /b/tard could exist in my apartment complex.
I mean everyone is so quiet (facepalm for logical fallacy) OF COURSE!
But I was still in vicious ban mode.  So I trolled my anonymous neighbor right back on this appeal form.

"U mad tho?"

"who took all are innernets away?"

"Hay wat is ur apt # we should having a 4chan party"

  Eventually, I came to senses and realized the dangers of trolling a neighbor--but only after they threatened to call the apartment manager.  Oops, too far!  I had previously gotten into some trouble with the complex, to the extent that my name was known by Mr. Apartment Manager.  See, I'm bad sometimes :) 

I had to think of a way to turn this around.  And this was my attempt:

 

I saved my apartments from freedom of expression. I'm a hero!

I took screenshots of me saying constructive things (and screenshots of my neighbor saying the apartments were shitty, in case that helped ;).  Actually, my neighbor and I got to talking (via the appeal form), and I learned all sorts of things.  Like that last week, a homeless man lit our dumpster on fire.  Mostly, I learned that my neighbor is what's wrong with 4chan.

After a few minutes, I realized what my neighbor was trying to do in this conversation.

Anon: "Not that I'm narrowing you down or anything, but do you live on the first or second floor?"
Me: "I don't think that claiming you're not narrowing me down exactly proves it."
Anon: "Fair enough.  But do you get a lot of neighbor noise, like from below or above?"

I continued the conversation just to lead my neighbor on, but they never got a clue as to who I was.  In fact, I answered that last question wrong to indicate I lived on a different floor!

I was able to console my neighbor on the basis that the ban was only for seven days.  He or she eventually settled down and decided not to call Mr. Apartment Manager.  This was a huge relief for me.  This all took place just a couple days ago.

Update: Earlier today, I was presented with both great success and a slight cause for concern.  I checked back on the ban appeal to see if my irritable neighbor had left any more words for me.  He or she had not, but I did learn that our abuse of the appeal form qualified us for a permanent ban from all discussion boards.  I did it!  I got permabanned!  On the other hand, my fellow /b/tard might still call the authorities.  But I am finally bad!

And that is the story of how I got a hundred people (and hundreds of future residents) permanently banned from a popular website!

Update: I still need that fucking code! Anyone good with HTML, CSS, or Javascript? Calling all internets!